I have deep-rooted insecurity. I do not believe that people want to be friends with me without having something to gain from it, or I believe that they talk behind my back. I don’t always think I am beautiful. I hate the way my hair gets in humidity and I strongly dislike the fact that I look like I am fourteen when I am in fact five years older than that. All of this hurts. Deeply. I pray and I pray for God to take away these insecurities so that I can feel ok with who I am and with how others perceive me. The nested fear and self-dislike still haunts me.
I would consider my insecurity a thorn. A messenger of Satan attempting to tell me I’m not good enough. An entry in my prayer journal from this past week:
My heart. Daddy, it hurts so bad… and its a real feeling… I cannot wait for the day I’m with You again. For when there is no pain. I want to feel joy and just be loved… It’s time I start being thankful. but the hurt in my heart, it’s so heavy.
-November 13, 2014
That’s not easy for me to share. But I will scream it louder. I hurt because of my insecurity. Not because of anyone else, but because I am not confident in myself. And I boast this to you. I am bragging on the fact that there are days I can’t look in the mirror because I don’t like what looks back at me, and I am boasting about the fact that I have a nagging voice in my head whenever I hang out with people that I they don’t want to spend time with me. And I’m bragging about this not for your sympathy. No matter what you may say or do, my heart is burdened simply because it is who I am. I want to appear like I have it all together, but the reality is, I do not.
I encourage you, friend, to take a minute and write down your downfalls. Maybe just one thing you don’t want others to know about you, but something that keeps you from being the best you think you can be. Maybe thats a physical condition. Maybe that is an addiction. Maybe that is something you have done that you can’t let go of. Whatever the case may be, write it down. Think about it.
Jesus’ friend Paul, he understood failings. He was far from perfect. When I said this insecurity was like a thorn, I stole the words straight from Paul’s writing.
“To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given to me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me” II Corinthians 12:7
Paul doesn’t mention what this thorn is, but from the context of his letter to the Church of Corinth, experts say his audience knew well. Easily it could have been something perhaps used to discredit him as a gospel-speaker, however Paul shares it openly and blatantly as his down falling.
“… I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness.”” II Corinthians 12:8-9
God doesn’t always take away our pain. Even if we ask for him to, and even though he is capable of it. After all, if we were perfect beings, we would have no need for him at all. Sometimes, the pain can be a reminder that we need more of Jesus in our lives. But why is Paul so eager to share his downfall with the rest of the world? Why does he not keep it to himself?
“… I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” II Corinthians 12:9-10
At first glance, it is a bit of an oxymoron. But the more I sat with this passage the more I realized how much truth it held. Allow me to give you an example.
About a week ago, I had a falling out with one of my very best friends from high school. We haven’t spoken since and it hurts me, deeply. Especially because we had made a point to make the distance work and had been talking everyday, until this point. I certainly said things I wish I could take back, but ultimately, I lost a friend. After many tears, I was feeling utterly pointless. If my best friend couldn’t handle me, how could anyone else. So I turned to God. With much hurt and anger, but overtime I felt the ache in my chest, I turned to God. Guess what? It still sucks. But I have learned so much about who I am in God through the whole thing.
Paul also shared this because he is human. No one is without fault. And as Christians, we are not called to be perfect. We aren’t even called to try. We are called to follow Christ and love others. Christians don’t have their lives together. And I feel we should be shouting out the moments where we fail because by no means am I above any other person who is struggling. How I deal with my struggle in Christ is the factor that I believe leaves Christians as set apart.
I am here, to brag to you about my weaknesses. Not because I am proud of them, at all. Rather, I brag to you about my God who takes them and does incredible things.
I needed this. <3 This semester has been a lesson in me saying, "fix it, God!" and God saying, "I'm enough. You don't need that fixed."
I’m with you on pretty much every one of those weaknesses you listed. I’ve been dealing with a bit of depression this semester too, and it’s no fun. I really appreciate your acknowledgement that painful things will still hurt even when you turn to God for help. I feel like that’s one of those things that I felt like I knew, but experiencing it made me realize that I didn’t really know. It’s helpful to see that being someone else’s experience too, especially with that seemingly-common thought within Christendom that if you truly believe, you shouldn’t feel sadness or anger or hurt or any of those other negative emotions.
Wow, this is quite profound! I must agree with Seth that I “appreciate your acknowledgement that painful things will still hurt even when you turn to God for help”. That, I believe, is a mark of loving God for God’s sake, which is something I am in the midst of learning. As I read this, I had two comments that came to mind:
My first comment is in reference to this point: “So I turned to God. With much hurt and anger, but overtime I felt the ache in my chest, I turned to God. Guess what? It still sucks. But I have learned so much about who I am in God through the whole thing.”
A professor at my school that hosts a men’s group once said to us in response to pain, hurt, and disappointment when we dive into temptation that when we feel worthless or undeserving of grace, instead of lamenting and reminding ourselves of how horrible we are, rather we should turn to Him in praise and adoration for giving us such wonderful gifts and especially the gift of His Son. For me, this was quite profound and impactful because all those times that I screwed up, my focus shifted from focusing on my unworthiness, to His greatness. I saw the selfishness in my own “grieving” (which was really self-pity).
My second comment is in response to this: “And as Christians, we are not called to be perfect. We aren’t even called to try. We are called to follow Christ and love others.”
While I understand your point and the context, perhaps there may be a better way to say this. When I read this, I initially disagreed simply because Matthew 5:48 popped into my head, which says, “Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” Clearly you need context and good, exegetically study to bring out the meaning of this text, but those who claim to follow Christ cannot deny the call to holiness(Matthew 5:16; 1 Peter 1:15; James 1:26-27; Titus 2:11-12). Even your comment about sharing the love of Christ requires immense effort especially in the face of adversity and those who oppose you.
With all that said, still a great post! You’re learning a lot and it’s fun to read! Look forward to reading more! All the best and blessings as you go forward,
Bijan
Bijan,
As always your insight and wisdom is beyond your years. I especially had something resonate in me when you mentioned the selfishness of greiving. While I agree, immensely, I know that in this broken world, we still hurt and feel deeply. I love that he is by our side.
Also, thank you for the calling out on context. For those who know me this may have been clear, but I think in the future I will be sure to be more clear.
Miss you, and congrats on your engagement!
I want to know how incredibly eloquent you are but even more than that, how wise your words are. You rock and i’m so glad we are both at Baylor. Your post and being in FCC together are both such blessings to me, friend!
You’re the sweetest nugget!! :) I appreciate you.
Wow this was quite profound and inspirational. I really like your way of thinking!
Thank you!