On washing the car

A most worthless past-time has never been invented. I’ve seen the guys who spend every weekend washing their vehicles, waxing them, polishing up the chrome, making their cars shine. I get it–these vehicles are an extension of their egos. I’m not even going to talk about those people who pay to have their cars washed by others–disgusting. Nevertheless, cars go out into the world, cars get dirty, cars drive through every bit of crap and dirt and pollution that contaminates our environment; these things never vary. I haven’t washed my car in several months; it’s not a habit of mine, and every time it rains, the car just gets a little more dirty. Finally, the back end of my red car had turned gray, so it was time to go to the car wash. Washing a car is bit like painting the Golden Gate Bridge, no matter how often you do it, the car will still be dirty. Other than pride, wanting to show off, why would we possibly wash our cars? Yes, you do want to get the bird excrement off of the paint so the paint doesn’t start to flake off, but just regular dirt doesn’t have that much of an influence on the paint job. In fact, doesn’t the dirt protect the paint from further harm? Now my car is a nice, bright, candy-apple red, again. But I still can’t figure out what drove me to wash my car; it’s only going to get dirty again.

On washing the car

A most worthless past-time has never been invented. I’ve seen the guys who spend every weekend washing their vehicles, waxing them, polishing up the chrome, making their cars shine. I get it–these vehicles are an extension of their egos. I’m not even going to talk about those people who pay to have their cars washed by others–disgusting. Nevertheless, cars go out into the world, cars get dirty, cars drive through every bit of crap and dirt and pollution that contaminates our environment; these things never vary. I haven’t washed my car in several months; it’s not a habit of mine, and every time it rains, the car just gets a little more dirty. Finally, the back end of my red car had turned gray, so it was time to go to the car wash. Washing a car is bit like painting the Golden Gate Bridge, no matter how often you do it, the car will still be dirty. Other than pride, wanting to show off, why would we possibly wash our cars? Yes, you do want to get the bird excrement off of the paint so the paint doesn’t start to flake off, but just regular dirt doesn’t have that much of an influence on the paint job. In fact, doesn’t the dirt protect the paint from further harm? Now my car is a nice, bright, candy-apple red, again. But I still can’t figure out what drove me to wash my car; it’s only going to get dirty again.

On the Grimpen Mire

“It’s a bad place, the Grimpen Mire.” –Stapleton I had never seen anything like it–mud, quagmires, swamp, water, potholes, and the like. A dangerous place if I ever saw one. Of course, if you knew your way around it, it was no more dangerous than, say, the streets of New York or London. The entire place, however, smelled of decay and rot, and I wondered how people could live around here without being completely and utterly depressed about the the entire experience of life. Yet, it also occurred to me that the people of the moor were used to the bad weather, the cold winds, the rocky landscape, the misshapen trees, the crooked paths, the meloncholy atmosphere, the rainy weather, and the dank, moldy smell of the mire. Primitive, prehistoric, this is probably what most of the countryside looked like before man started developing it for farming, building cities, carving it into pieces. The Grimpen Mire could resist all of that and maintain its primordial condition of untamed and uncivilized wilderness. The local inhabitants, though few, seem to carve out a living, doing a bit of grazing and farming, but nothing of much use really grows around here. The entire place radiates a gloomy, if not Gothic, ethos of decay and danger. From time to time, it has been said, that tourists, hikers, have entered the Grimpen Mire in order to chase away the demons, to dispel its odd history of ominous disappearances and strange occurrences. This strange collection of smelly, swampy potholes and watery green blotches has nothing inherently sinister about it–or does it. I mean, just because we humans give a place horrific attributes, does that mean that the place is really evil? Stapleton seems to think so, although he amazed me the other day by running into the mess without a second thought. He claims to know his way through the maze of sink holes, small streams, small slews, and swampy areas. I wish Holmes were here. And now I have also heard a howling animal. It makes your blood run cold. The Mire, the moor, the desolation, the inclement weather and the loneliness of the place is truly depressing. I yearn to be back in my rooms in London, a fire in the grate, sitting in my chair with a good book in my lap. Yet, here I stand on the edge of the Grimpen Mire, rain in my face, meloncholy in my soul, a strange collection of characters arrayed around me, no one seems to be who he says he is, and Holmes is still stuck up in London reading some enigmatic palimpsest from a fifteenth-century English abbey. This is one of those times when I would like to throw in the towel, return to London, and say, “To hell with all you crazy people!” No, I can’t do that. Holmes needs me here, on the edge of the Grimpen Mire, and yes, it is a very bad place.

On the Grimpen Mire

“It’s a bad place, the Grimpen Mire.” –Stapleton I had never seen anything like it–mud, quagmires, swamp, water, potholes, and the like. A dangerous place if I ever saw one. Of course, if you knew your way around it, it was no more dangerous than, say, the streets of New York or London. The entire place, however, smelled of decay and rot, and I wondered how people could live around here without being completely and utterly depressed about the the entire experience of life. Yet, it also occurred to me that the people of the moor were used to the bad weather, the cold winds, the rocky landscape, the misshapen trees, the crooked paths, the meloncholy atmosphere, the rainy weather, and the dank, moldy smell of the mire. Primitive, prehistoric, this is probably what most of the countryside looked like before man started developing it for farming, building cities, carving it into pieces. The Grimpen Mire could resist all of that and maintain its primordial condition of untamed and uncivilized wilderness. The local inhabitants, though few, seem to carve out a living, doing a bit of grazing and farming, but nothing of much use really grows around here. The entire place radiates a gloomy, if not Gothic, ethos of decay and danger. From time to time, it has been said, that tourists, hikers, have entered the Grimpen Mire in order to chase away the demons, to dispel its odd history of ominous disappearances and strange occurrences. This strange collection of smelly, swampy potholes and watery green blotches has nothing inherently sinister about it–or does it. I mean, just because we humans give a place horrific attributes, does that mean that the place is really evil? Stapleton seems to think so, although he amazed me the other day by running into the mess without a second thought. He claims to know his way through the maze of sink holes, small streams, small slews, and swampy areas. I wish Holmes were here. And now I have also heard a howling animal. It makes your blood run cold. The Mire, the moor, the desolation, the inclement weather and the loneliness of the place is truly depressing. I yearn to be back in my rooms in London, a fire in the grate, sitting in my chair with a good book in my lap. Yet, here I stand on the edge of the Grimpen Mire, rain in my face, meloncholy in my soul, a strange collection of characters arrayed around me, no one seems to be who he says he is, and Holmes is still stuck up in London reading some enigmatic palimpsest from a fifteenth-century English abbey. This is one of those times when I would like to throw in the towel, return to London, and say, “To hell with all you crazy people!” No, I can’t do that. Holmes needs me here, on the edge of the Grimpen Mire, and yes, it is a very bad place.

On the sea

Nuestras vidas son los ríos que van a dar en la mar, que es el morir–“Coplas” Manrique Are our lives like rivers that run to the sea, which is death? Three quarters of the world, or perhaps even a little more, is covered with water. The sea is vast, deep, anonymous, unknowable. We pride ourselves in our positivist investigations of the oceans, but I get the feeling that the more we know, the more we don’t know. We have both a past and present of raping the seas for their riches–fish, whales, beaches, salt, transportation. Take it from the sea, no one cares; dump it in the sea, no one cares; spill it in the sea, and kill everything in a thirty mile radius. We have fought wars on the seas, but the outcomes have never, ever meant a thing in the grand scheme of the universe. We sink ships, let the victims float away, and the sea remains the same, zealously giving up her dead. The waves roll into the shore, and ships and boats bob in the distance, testing their luck against the unrelenting motion of the sea. The sea is transcendent, universal, an entity out of time; its rhythms ceaselessly hammer its stone boundaries, which eventually erode, break down, wash away, and turn to sand. There are those creatures that have learned to survive in the waves by letting themselves wash to and fro with the tides. Human hubris may challenge the seas, but long after the ships and subs, deep submersibles and bathyscaphes, have gone, the sea will still be there, indifferent, rising and falling. If the sea is death, then it must also be life because those two concepts can only exist together as one. This has been as true since creation, and it will be true when the sun goes out in some distant future. We may paddle around and take specimens, do experiments and write papers, we may describe and predict the tides, study salinity, categorize new species, even learn to swim. Perhaps we can even learn from those humble creatures that live in the tidal pools that live and die with the tides as the sea washes over them. The sea is more than a metaphor, but it also more than just a body of water. So our lives, as Manrique says, are like rivers, big and small, and they all do run to the sea. We pick the biggest, most unknowable sign as the metaphor for death because no one ever returns from that voyage.

Unabsorbed

I sat in the sink while the faucet drip, dripped into me

and my insides, they spilled over

flowing then onto the counter,

making a tasteless mess

in their exposure,

unabsorbed

all silent save the sound of running

circling the playground of the faded summer outside

the sandy sweet odor of sweaty kids

an olfactory postcard

from a time when

the nervous energy of the centrifuge

meant not madness

but immersion

Middle Class Problems

The bitter, dirty tap water
Mineralized, carcinogenic, tasting of soil
Fertilizing my dirty mouth
Fueling exasperation
Like, Are you fucking kidding me
At the time, the traffic, the tension
You can’t say that, mom,
It’s disgusting
Everything is
Is plastic
Is psychosomatic cancer at every sip, every bite
I prefer it without the crusts, so
No, you cut them off,
Or ultimatums
You’re not even invited to my birthday party,
And
I won’t even let you setup my party, mom,
But those are fake tears, Lil,
Which are prohibited as water of unknown origin
And I’m counting to three,
No,
No really
Don’t let me get there,
And, Oh My
Dear God, Am I raising a brat, a boss, a –
Three
Plus one is four
No, just a child
Just a self in miniature
And let’s not fight, mom, it makes me sad
Me, too
It makes me cry
Me, too
Well that and
Forgotten cell phones and retraced commutes
On an empty tank
As in zero-bars empty,
Unfueled by exasperated water
I’m punctual to nothing: impunctual
Apunctual with compunction
And so the admin hates me,
But also she sleeps at night
Asterisk
Without sleep aids of color red and state liquid
Or solid and ovular white
Or blue, they’re blue
For insom
Because seasonal allergies
Or dogs barking
Or thoughts unquellable
Where sleep is dreams unreprieving
In combinations of desire and deviance
And upwellings
About stealing the good parts from the office chex mix
And seething anger over stealing my pizza
They take it, sliced, and dolling, I’m screaming
Seething
Or seeing versions of you and your brother–
You have brothers?–
Identifiable only in the eyes
Since your hair is a cherub’s, your mouth mute
That’s how fictitious you were
How little I knew
And asking why and feeling sinking and anger
And sinking and fleeing effusive, stirring, entangled
And waking isn’t
The smell of the coffee,
The malfunction of forgetting the basket,
The black-brown sludge leaking onto under into
All the plastic everything
For her
And–what?–the clicking
The pump
Dinging
The phone, the inbox
The party theme is Princess
As in pink
Demure
Rescue Me
And how yellow are my teeth,
And how many carbs are in that,
And we’re all fat and my kid’s drinking Red 40
And–what?–you spank, let her cry, coddle her too much, let her eat that, watch that, play with those
What, with barbies?
What’s wrong with barbies
Toy guns
Barbies used as toy guns
You’re raising a lawless child, a democrat, an anarchist, an artist
And did she just say that?
God isn’t real?
Or God is Santa and boys have penises
So now, the parental aside
“I wanted to let you know that your daughter…”
Uses correct anatomical vocabulary
Can distinguish between the sexes
Is precociously philosophical about supernatural figures bearing gifts
And, Oh, Hi.
It’s been ages or
I’ve been swamped and life is–
Dammit
–enduring retrospective pains of social awkwardness
“You look great”
The failure to say, “You, too”
“Great to see you”
“She’s adorable”
Yours too,
Question mark
Period
Children are cute in the declarative.
Or equivalently innocent
Some version of that is a viable cordiality
For the silent space
That is my turn
The click, clicking
That is my pumps and the height they afford
The scratches I see from here
The cosmetic breaches from exposure
To the sun, the dust, the dirt
No water
Burnt and scarred and worn paint
Skin
Set and stretched and scratched around eyes wide and forming
Unoriginal observations that point to diffuse disenchantment
And are unbrilliant, and so
Unbeautiful
I am
Engaged in the paradox of craving the busyness of the business I deplore
The full time, filled life
Sponging up time for diffuse disenchantment
I am
Unoriginal, unbrilliant, unbeautiful
Salivating and spitting, salty, sweaty, and unsweet
There’s dirt in my lettuce,
There’s dinging in my inbox,
There’s water in my water,
I swim.