Externalities of Travel

Having to be on time

Having to be on time to airports

To flights at airports

Waiting for flights at airports as a consequence of being on time


Disrobing at

Being barefoot because of

Abandoning toothpaste and other 3+ oz. liquid affordances

Bad breath

Close talkers with

Airport bathrooms

Applying makeup in airport bathrooms

Already beautiful women applying makeup in airport bathrooms*

Indirect flights out of regional airports

Regional flights

Regional carriers

Willingly trapping yourself in a regional tube of toothpaste to be airborne

Paying to have this done

The story from the passenger in 10C about her emergency landing flight

The story from the passenger in 10C about your family’s litigious impotence against a regional carrier “if this plane falls to the earth”

Takeoff One

Turbulence One

Contemplating your imminent demise during

Distracting yourself from contemplating your imminent demise by writing about your imminent demise

The person across the aisle pretending not to read what you’re writing about your imminent demise

Writing about his imminent demise

Hopscotch Landing One

Airport restaurants

People working at airport restaurants

Workers at airport restaurants who ask your traveling companion if she’s a model

Your traveling companion responding with the pronoun “we” – as in, “no, we’re just….” –to make you feel included as a model

Music at airport restaurants

Music that is country at airport restaurants

“I’m a little drunk and I need you now…”

The actual lyrics

People watching

People watching you

Creepy people

Attractive people watching you watch them

Remembering forgetting to shave your legs because of

Regional Flight Two

Takeoff Two

Turbulence Two

The artifice of security from the brevity of

Airplane smells

Airplanes smelling like lavatories

Stale coffee


Someone’s gas

Clothing infused with airplane smells

The clothing on your body

The clothing you will later wear during a spate of “professional networking”

The myth that you can work while traveling

Without someone interrupting

Without interrupting yourself with thoughts of your imminent demise

Without throwing up

Small talk


Small talk from flight attendants after descending

Flight attendants soliciting applause

For the couple on board getting married on Saturday

For the couple on board attending a wedding on Saturday

Passengers applauding the couple attending a wedding on Saturday

Other airport bathrooms

Automatic toilets in

Automatic flushing of while in use

Baggage claim

Bags not needing claim because you carried them

Hotel shuttles

Waiting for


Knowing you will do this in reverse in 3 days


* which is cheating because makeup was made by God to level the playing field for women not already beautiful