Having to be on time
Having to be on time to airports
To flights at airports
Waiting for flights at airports as a consequence of being on time
Security
Disrobing at
Being barefoot because of
Abandoning toothpaste and other 3+ oz. liquid affordances
Bad breath
Close talkers with
Airport bathrooms
Applying makeup in airport bathrooms
Already beautiful women applying makeup in airport bathrooms*
Indirect flights out of regional airports
Regional flights
Regional carriers
Willingly trapping yourself in a regional tube of toothpaste to be airborne
Paying to have this done
The story from the passenger in 10C about her emergency landing flight
The story from the passenger in 10C about your family’s litigious impotence against a regional carrier “if this plane falls to the earth”
Takeoff One
Turbulence One
Contemplating your imminent demise during
Distracting yourself from contemplating your imminent demise by writing about your imminent demise
The person across the aisle pretending not to read what you’re writing about your imminent demise
Writing about his imminent demise
Hopscotch Landing One
Airport restaurants
People working at airport restaurants
Workers at airport restaurants who ask your traveling companion if she’s a model
Your traveling companion responding with the pronoun “we” – as in, “no, we’re just….” –to make you feel included as a model
Music at airport restaurants
Music that is country at airport restaurants
“I’m a little drunk and I need you now…”
The actual lyrics
People watching
People watching you
Creepy people
Attractive people watching you watch them
Remembering forgetting to shave your legs because of
Regional Flight Two
Takeoff Two
Turbulence Two
The artifice of security from the brevity of
Airplane smells
Airplanes smelling like lavatories
Stale coffee
B.O.
Someone’s gas
Clothing infused with airplane smells
The clothing on your body
The clothing you will later wear during a spate of “professional networking”
The myth that you can work while traveling
Without someone interrupting
Without interrupting yourself with thoughts of your imminent demise
Without throwing up
Small talk
Descending
Small talk from flight attendants after descending
Flight attendants soliciting applause
For the couple on board getting married on Saturday
For the couple on board attending a wedding on Saturday
Passengers applauding the couple attending a wedding on Saturday
Other airport bathrooms
Automatic toilets in
Automatic flushing of while in use
Baggage claim
Bags not needing claim because you carried them
Hotel shuttles
Waiting for
Waiting
Knowing you will do this in reverse in 3 days
* which is cheating because makeup was made by God to level the playing field for women not already beautiful