On pickles

Read no further if you are a serious person looking to expand your mind because you will be disappointed. This post is about pickles. Normally I won’t write about as trivial as a cucumber in vinegar, but there is no use in denying it, I have been a fan my whole life. And it doesn’t matter what kind of pickle it is, I like them all: sweet, dill, spicy, garlic, kosher, beet, gherkins, hamburger slices, cold pack, bread and butter, sour, ice box. In fact, the stronger the pickle, the better. The more vinegar and spices, the better. Pickles are strong food not meant for either the light hearted or the picky eaters. I want my pickles to be strong and spicy, laced with garlic and jalapeƱos and cayenne peppers. I want pickles that make you think twice about a second bite. I want pickles that leave you with dragon breath so strong that even hours later, people will turn away when you speak. I want pickles that erase the taste of the beverage you are drinking. And pickles do go with just about everything except angel food cake, which I don’t eat anyway. Nothing is sadder than taken out the pickle jar and finding one, last, sad and solitary pickle floating in the brine and you have to give it to another person. Sweet pickles make a wonderful dessert if you are so inclined. If someone offers you a jar of homemade pickles, take it and run so you don’t have to share it with anyone. Pickles on burgers is an absolute necessity. People have been jailed for less. Craving pickles is not just for pregnant wives at midnight on Sunday. When you are dieting, pickles might be a part of the solution and not the problem. Pickles are not a garnish for more important food: they should have their own food category–vinegary stuff. Size is not a problem for pickles, but having a fresh jar of them might be. It is always a good idea to have an unopened jar of pickles in the pantry just in case. Where would tarter sauce be without pickles. Pickle relish is a delightful addition to any hotdog or frankfurter situation that might come at any given moment. No one should discriminate against pickles because of their size, shape, spice preference, or vinegar. The fashion of preserving pickles in crocks became anachronistic too soon. Pickles should be firm and crunchy. If pickles were offered at peace talks, all wars would be over sooner rather than later because once you share pickles with someone, you can no longer be at war with them. You probably can’t even be grumpy. I hear that pickles are a vegetable, but I’m sure this is just an ugly rumor. Although “Pickles” might be a weird name for a dog, it is certainly not the worst name either. If you are eating a pickle, and you should always eat your pickle, life cannot be all that bad, now can it?