On a green lizard

We brought the plants home a couple of days ago from the neighbor’s house where they spend the summer. Apparently we also brought home a small green lizard which had made its home in the branches of a small ficus we have. After three days in our kitchen, he decided he was too thirsty or too hungry, so he made a break for it. The natural human condition is, of course, “kill it!,” but me, being the simple-minded granola eating tree-hugger that I am, I decided to try my hand a green lizard wrangling. Now wrangling a two ounce green creature that looks like he sells insurance is not as easy as it looks. My first weapon of choice was a large plastic cup, but he laughed at that and asked if I was going to “ice-tea him to death.” He stopped laughing when I brandished a broom. First, he pulled out his wallet and offered me fifty bucks to forget the whole thing and let him go back to his tree. “No dice,” I said, “You’ll be after my pop tarts in no time.” So he took out his cell phone to call 9-1-1 because as I came at him with the broom, he felt his life was in danger. I had him cornered by the stove, and he suggested that we make two cafe lattes and discuss things, especially extinction level events, such as presidential elections or getting whacked with a broom. I declined. He made a break for the cabinet holding the microwave, but my wife got between him and cover, so he reversed course, and headed for the other plants. I think he played hockey at some point in his life because he checked me into the wall, and I was momentarily stunned. In the meantime, I had opened the back door, and he caught a glimpse of light, freedom, escape, the promised land, virgin territory. He headed for open country, and I was hot on his trail, but then he decided to hide behind the plants and I lost him. After lifting all the plants, I spotted him behind some big green leafy thing, and the chase was on again. He almost broke to the left and headed into the living-room, but I dropped the broom and he headed for the door again. I thought his English accent was hilarious as he screamed about giving me a discount on my car insurance if I’d switch to another company. I said, “No!” and brought my broom to bear. He scampered toward the light and jumped over the threshold. He was free, and I slammed the screen door shut after him. He is now in a resettlement and witness protection program in our back yard, and I have warned the neighbors that he wants to sell them car insurance. So now I will get my “non-lethal green lizard wrangling badge” which is part of the Order of the Old Green Geezers. We do a lot with recycling and composting. Other than the shouting and screaming, it went perfectly well. No animals were harmed in the writing of this essay.