All In

Finals. They are such a busy time. Not stressful, just busy. Oddly, I found myself really loving it. Because in the midst of prepping for each test, I never had to worry about anything other than making sure I do as well as possible. I ate enough, I got enough sleep, and studied my rear end off to do well.

Also, my finals schedule was not exactly ideal. I had two finals on the first day of testing (Thursday), two finals on the second day (Friday), my hardest final on the third day (Saturday), and then my easiest final at the last possible time on the last possible day. (Next Tuesday at 4:30 in the afternoon.) So once I got done with my final this afternoon, I gave myself a break from the hectic finals week shenanigans. Unfortunately that left a lot of room in my brain for thinking. Ew.

I thought first about how I did in my classes. Which I probably won’t know until next week, so why bother, right? Then I thought about the classic college thing, “Am I in the right place? Did I pick the right major?” The panic you expect from a freshman in college. Next I began thinking about the stuff in my heart that I had been fighting against by staying busy- the tough stuff. I thought about how distance makes friendships change and how hard new friendships are. Which led to me thinking of our purpose on this earth and getting real deep with myself, a tall decaf vanilla latte, my journal, and my bible in the library.

Of course, answers don’t just come to us, they take time. I was walking back to my dorm when I was stopped by the Mormons who hang out around campus and talk to students. We had a lovely chat, actually. While I do not believe all the same things as they do, we did have a neat talk about our purpose and how Jesus is the central part of our lives.

Still though, I wan’t really getting it. So I walked, and I looked at the sky. It was absolutely perfect.

The blue was deep and rich, and the clouds were full and fluffy and I just wanted to sit and stare at the sky. I walked back to my dorm and appreciated it the whole time. It honestly looked like it wasn’t even real. Just this painted ceiling above me. Or maybe like a perfect reflection in a lake. Let us just talk about wow.

And in this, I said a little prayer, “Wow. In all my doubt and confusion, you are still God.”

I’m not the first person in history to go through hard stuff or to feel lonely. Sometimes it feels that way, but no. Thankfully, because of this, I have other people to look to in the struggle.

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. (I always think of them as the three dudes with the funny names, and also associate them with chocolate bunnies because of Veggie Tales.) They where in one of the most absolutely crummy situations ever. And it would have been easy to get out of too.

See, they were asked to just bow down to an idol of the King. When they refused, the King threatened to throw them into a furnace. All they had to do was agree to bow down to a stupid statue and be on their way. But they were wise. They knew that worshipping this statue was not honoring to God. What I always found odd was that they didn’t fear the fiery furnace.

Y’all. Pause for a second. I know I mention all the sweet stuff Baylor does in terms of traditions. Throwback to homecoming and the one and only bonfire they have every year. I was several hundred feet away and could still feel the heat on my face.

Being any closer to the fire would be sweltering. Being in the fire? Nope. No thank you, no. No way.

So again, the three dudes with funny names didn’t fear this fire? Wow. Ok. Cool.

Their faith inspires me. Take a look:

“If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”   Daniel 3:17-18

That is incredible blind faith. They know that God can save them from the fire, but even if He doesn’t, they still obey.

So I think of how this applies to me. I have asked God to take away my hurt from some stuff, multiple times as you may have noticed from previous posts. But I have to stop and realize, even if He doesn’t  take it away, I still want to honor God with my life.

This verse gets mangled sometimes to be read as “and even if not, He is still good.” While that isn’t correct, it still applies within the context. Even if God doesn’t fit into our molds, He is still God. God is a lot of things, but I think it was best summed up by C.S. Lewis when describing Aslan, the representation of Christ:

“Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King I tell you.”    -Mr. Beaver: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe     by CS Lewis

God is certainly not tame. But He is capable of anything and everything, and he is good. Right now, I am working on ways that I may be all in with God. Thankfully, I don’t have to prove it by jumping into a furnace, but through other steps. Doing things that are hard for me, and being involved in my relationship with the Lord.

Now is a time, to look at the sky and say, “You are still God.”