Relational Dialectics Theory: Bestfriend or Boyfriend?

The transition from high school to college was a BIG change for me. Coming from California to Texas was an intimidating move, especially because I had lived in the same city, and gone to the same school (Pre-K through Highschool) my whole life. Needless to say, I was nervous. However, I was excited to be part of a team and really hoped and prayed that I’d make good friendships with my teammates. Lucky, I was grouped up with 3 other girls on my team to live in a suite together on campus. The three of us quickly became close, but my roommate Aaliyah and I grew to be practically inseperable. We lived together, we had practice every day together, and we had the exact same class schedule. That year we did everything together and had grown so close, so we decided that the two of us would live together off campus for sophomore year. Everything was going well at the start of our second year, we still spent a lot of time together even though we had a few classes apart. But things changed when I got a boyfriend. Suddenly I was spending less and less time with Aaliyah. The lunch dates we used to have everyday were replaced with lunch dates with the new bf, and slowly we grew apart.  It wasn’t until Aaliyah shared with me that she was feeling neglected that I opened my eyes to how much I had been ignoring our friendship. I wanted to be close again, but at the same time I didn’t want to swing fully back to spending all my time with Aaliyah because then I’d be neglecting my new relationship. So we made a plan, I’d get lunch with her on Mondays and Wednesdays and eat with my boyfriend Tuesdays and Thursdays. The tension in our relationship is a perfect example of the tensions described in Relational Dialectics Theory.

Relational Dialectics Theory is an interpretive theory proposed by Leslie Baxter and Barbara Montgomery. The theory is based on the belief that in every relationship there are tensions between relational needs, called dialectics. These tensions are both external and internal, meaning that there are tensions between the members of a diad and also tensions that are between the diad and those that affect the diad. The tensions that we face internally are connection-autonomy, certainty-uncertainty, and openess-closedness. When I started dating, my relationship with Aaliyah began to experience the tensions between connection and autonomy. When I was only spending time with Aaliyah, we were both content. However when I began spending significantly less time with her we felt the strain of that change in closeness directly affect our relationship. I had to find a way to relive that tension by balancing time between my bestfriend and boyfriend. External tensions that a diad may face are inclusion-seclusion, conventionality-uniqueness, and revelation-concealment. My relationship with Aaliyah faced external tensions as well. We began to experience the tensions of inclusion-seclusion when I added a boyfriend in the mix. I had to figure out how much time we all should spend together, and what amount of time I needed to dedicate to Aaliyah and I, and my boyfriend and I as well. What is important to recognize in these dialectical struggles is the role of communication in the construction of our relationships. Meaning is created through dialogue, therefore when we experience the push and pull of our relationships and those struggles are communicated, the relationship will gain new meaning as well. In other words, “discursive struggles aren’t an annoyance or unnecessary evil. They’re what give interpersonal relationships meaning.” (Griffin pg. 140) Because these various tensions play such a large part in our relationships, I think this theory is especially helpful in understanding the way meaning is created through dialogue and relational struggles.

I argue that Relational Dialectics Theory is a strong interpretive theory for understanding the internal and external struggles we feel in relationships. I feel that the areas in which we feel tension, closeness, uniqueness, complexity, openness, and so on are legitimate dialectics across all interpersonal relationships. And Because this theory recognizes dialectical flux, “the unpredictable, unfinalizable, indeterminate nature of relationships” (Griffin pg.141) It leaves room for the unknown, which when dealing with humans, is very real. I very much appreciate this theory as a new way of understanding the people I have relationships and their unique needs. Had I understood this theory when I was going through the struggle of balancing time with my bestfriend and boyfriend, this theory would have helped a lot.

To hear Leslie Baxter herself speak on Relational Dialectics theory watch this video

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